Last night was great! I love my friends, I love my sorors, I love life, I love my circle, and I def love Katie and Alison. On another note, I found out that they’re all gay! It all makes sense now…So I guess I’m hopeless until forever. The only things standing between me and New York, are two unit plans, 10 page paper, Media Law test, and a lot of loose ends before I hit the road to get away from Selinsgrove for a month. I may miss some but I’m really happy to get out of here. The plainness is driving me crazy. The loneliness is making me mad.
I’m not angry, just fed up!
So, I recently put my feelings on the line and passively told one of my guy friends to find out whether another mutual friend would be interested in pursuing a relationship with me. The verdict… “I don’t look at her [me] like that.”
I am an African American woman attending a predominately white institution where the black population is few and far between; however, growing, since my arrival in 2004. As a senior, I have been anxiously awaiting my graduation and thinking about my time spent at my institution and all that I have attained from a lot of hard work and countless obstacles. I have been involved in everything imagined…my GPA is stellar…I have a close circle of friends…popular…good balance between work and play…but there is something painfully missing. A MAN.
I am in no way thinking that I need a man to fulfill my life, but when my days seem long and nights longer, I want to share my life with someone special, someone I can call my own. Instead, I get hit with…”I don’t look at her like that.” What does that mean? While I can accept someone to not be attracted to me, my arrogance questions how can someone not like me and want to get to know me better?
Well, here’s the problem I see. My experience on a white campus where most of the African American men choose to be with white women, I am SO frustrated. My frustrations are not because of interracial relations but at the fact that the men I am attracted to the most, by virtue of being raised and supported by a black man, that’s not my biological father but the man I call dad, nonetheless, are not equally attracted to me. I have heard the argument that I may be intimidating to some and I don’t often show the “softer” side of myself, but I’m still at a loss for words every time there is another black man that comes to my campus and look me in my face and tell me they want to be with a white women because black women are too hard to date.What does that mean?Well, as a black woman that bears the brunt of racial tensions at my school, and is always in a position to help someone. I am always reaching back to help someone that looks like me because I have acknowledged that my race as been disenfranchised and denied our right to life, liberty and pursuit of happiness, so at every instance when I can restore some form of being; I DO!
I am the one that the black men on my campus come to when they need help for class or advice on a pertinent issue in their life. I do all this good in the name of my race and yet these same men can look into my eyes and nonchalantly say that I would be too difficult to date or totally negate my womanhood.
TO BE CONTINUED…..
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